Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- I just got word that Apple is coming out with a 1024K solar-powered 64-bit Apple "IIx" with a built-in 32 megabyte hard disk and 16" flat-screen color monitor. The whole thing, including a 3D laser printer, fits in a lunch box, weighs just over three pounds and sells for $256. It will run all existing software from any computer and handle every size disk. On weekends, it will double as a microwave oven. P.S. Keep this under your hat.
A. Dear Woz -- I won't breathe a word.

Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- How do I clean the slots of my Apple IIc? They are full of gunk.
A. Take some baking soda and... Wait a minute -- The Apple IIc has no slots.

Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- There seems to be nothing of substance in your column. My question is, "Where's the BEEF?"
A. $BEEF is located at address 48879.

Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- I ordered an Apple IIGS two months ago and I still don't have it. My motto is "It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease," so I'm going to picket the Apple store. Do you support my actions?
A. My motto is "It's the quacking duck that gets shot."

Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- What advantage is there to the IIGS having 4,096 colors?
A. Think of how heavy a box of 4,096 crayons would be.

Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- Why can't the IIGS match the resolution of a Mac?
A. Hey, nothing's perfect (and so am I).

Q. Dear Uncle Louie -- I've noticed that computers in magazine ads never have that big tangle of cords coming out of the back. How can I accomplish this?
A. First you buy an airbrush.